Growing as Parents

Last night when I couldn't sleep (it's a common theme in our house...), I began scrolling through older photos of Wyatt in his first days and weeks of life. Photos that made me feel a variety of feelings, because in those first days and weeks of life, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There was pure joy seeing this face... 

I mean, if that photo doesn't make you giggle, I'm afraid you don't have a heart. Or a sense of humor. 

 

Then there's this photo. What you can't see in this photo is the reason he's not in his clothes. The reasons his leg looks so bad. And those feelings are scary. You see, he isn't in his clothes because things got a little dicey for a bit and the team felt like they needed to be sure they could access him quickly if something happened. He's on oxygen and we were debating about CPAP. The blood on his leg is because the team had a really hard time placing his central line (if only we knew this was a sign-- kid is a HARD stick!). 

 

This photo is the one that really got me thinking. This is not long after he had his tongue tie revision completed. It was a laser snip, completed by an ENT. I had to leave the room because I was so scared. I couldn't watch my baby be in pain and not do anything to help. And while I knew it was required for him to eat successfully, my brain couldn't trump my heart. I had to leave. 

 

This photo was after his gtube surgery. He's intubated (machine is breathing for him) and I couldn't leave his side. Later this hospital stay, we learned that he continued to be a hard stick for an IV, so the scalp IV is the easiest one to place for him because the skin is so thin and his veins are easy to see. It's also less likely to get pulled by a curious little one or burst because of so much movement. Now? We immediately tell nurses to go straight for his scalp because it's not worth digging around for a while in his arms. We also burrito wrap him, hold him down, and hand nurses supplies. 

I've replaced a gtube after multiple nurses couldn't replace it. 

But, I couldn't stay in the room for a 30 second (maybe even less!) procedure when he was 12 days old. 

Now I refuse to leave his side, unless they make me. We need to be there for our son. We need to be brave for him. We also have to advocate for things, even if they are difficult to see. 

This guy isn't the only one who had grown. We have grown as parents. In ways we never would have imagined. And while I know every parent grows as parents as their children age, or experience new things, I can't help but think that we have done a lot of growing in a little bit of time. He's gone through multiple surgeries, hospital stays, some scary times... 

And he's still fighting. We are brave because he's a warrior. 

(For the record, scalp IV placement is still really freaky, but it's less so now)